The Waiting Game

I think now is the hardest part of pregnancy for me. I'm actually feeling less physically miserable at this point than I did the first time around, although I am fairly uncomfortable now and continuing to sleep poorly most nights. But the hard part is just...waiting.

I'm 37 1/2 weeks, which means I'm full-term and technically, could go into active labor at any time. So every little twinge, every back pain, every time I start having semi-regular contractions makes me think "Is this it?" And then it's not. I know I'll recognize full-blown labor once it actually starts, but it's the not knowing and waiting to find out if what seems like labor really is labor that's driving me a little batty.

Sunday night, I had back pain for about 3 hours that just started getting worse. It was accompanied by contractions that didn't subside when I laid down, which usually stops false labor contractions. I started to think it was go-time. I even had to get out of bed at 2am to sit against a heating pad because the back pain was so bad, and had about 6 sizeable contractions in half an hour. I went back to bed after an hour since the heating pad had helped my back pain quite a bit. I figured that, if it was true labor, I'd wake up when the pain got bad enough.

Woke up around 6am and told James that it might be a good idea for him to work from home on Monday, just in case this was the real thing and things were ramping up soon. So he stayed home and worked from here, and I went back to sleep for a while. Got up, took Rachel to preschool and went to a doctor's appointment where they monitored the contractions, and I was indeed having them pretty regularly. They were fairly strong as well. But unfortunately, things tapered off later in the morning, and I was just having sporadic contractions throughout the day.

Now I feel like it's probably not going to happen all that soon. I know things can change on a dime and it could still be any time. And I realize that 2 1/2 weeks is not very long to wait. I doubt they'll have me go past my due date because of the gest. diabetes. Still, it's a little discouraging and frustrating to just have to wait and not now when things will happen, especially now that we have a daughter to worry about when it's time for us to go to the hospital. We've had several people offer to watch her if needed, but most are tied up on weekdays, at least until the early afternoon, so we'll have to see how things play out. I'm sure we'll have a place for her when we need it; worst case scenario, she'll go to the hospital with us and James will hang out with her until someone can pick her up. So it would be nice if labor would happen at a time when someone's available to be with Rachel, but we'll just have to WAIT and see what happens.

I hate waiting.

Could Be Any Time, Could Be 3 1/2 Weeks

My due date is 3 1/2 weeks from today. Not all that far, but I've been feeling like Ben isn't going to wait that long. I had contractions off and on throughout the weekend, but particularly on Friday night (every 3 to 5 minutes for 4 hours, except when I would lay down) and during the day on Saturday. I know it was false labor because it would subside when I laid down, but one of these times, it's going to be the real thing.

He's pushing so hard that it makes me think he's trying to find his way out. We've considered using a flashlight to help him figure it out, but I don't know how effective that would be. I had a nonstress test at the doctor's office this morning (they've been monitoring fetal movement and heartrate because of my gestational diabetes) and briefly spoke to the doctor. She said it could be another week or two. Then again, could be longer. She did some feeling of my abdomen and thinks he's about 5 pounds; she also thought he may have turned breech, but I'll have an actual exam on Friday and I think she'll know more then. I've been feeling lots of kicking up high, so I think he's still head down like he's supposed to be. I'm not going to worry about it unless I find out I have reason to. And even then, worrying isn't going to change things, so what's the point?

At any rate, we're getting very close to the end, perhaps closer than we know. No nursery still and we won't be able to get one ready for a while, but my mom did find a part-time job so is hopefully on her way to filling in the rest of the time and finding her own place so we get the room back. Other than that, we're preparing the best we can. We have a temporary space for the changing table, a co-sleeper in our room, playyard in the living room, cradle for the family room downstairs, diapers and wipes on hand, a small supply of 2-oz. formula bottles for desperate nights when I need a break, plenty of baby clothes...I'm working on getting the miscellaneous baby items cleaned up and/or washed in the laundry - things like the baby bathtub, Baby Bjorn carrier, activity gym, bottles, breast pump, and all the other things I just dug out of the crawlspace and the garage.

Our church is throwing us a baby shower this Saturday. Hopefully I'll be able to attend, unless Ben decides to be born then. And James' work is giving us a shower next Thursday, 5/1. I'm a little more dubious about making it until then, but we'll see. Ben may surprise me and end up deciding to wait until his due date (5/16) after all.

So we're feeling pretty good in terms of preparedness and we feel ready to welcome Ben any time he decides to make his appearance! I'm definitely feeling like I've moved past the fear of labor pain to "I'd like him out now," so that's good in terms of mental preparation, I think. Every day he waits is a day to get a few more things crossed off of my to-do list and to be even more prepared, so I'll try not to be impatient and just see what happens.

Rachel's Law of Time

No matter how much time remains and how ready she is at the start of breakfast, Rachel will dawdle long enough to cause tardiness to ensue.

Testing... 1... 2... 3...

Testing the "Blog It" application from TypePad on Facebook to post to three different Blogger blogs and a LiveJournal blog and update my Facebook, Twitter and Pownce status all at once.

Check

More and more things are getting checked off the list. Today I installed the car seat bases in both cars. When we bought the Santa Fe, the salesperson couldn't tell us whether it had LATCH or not. We were certain that it must, but the instruction manual said nothing about it. And considering it was only the second year the car had been available, if the manual said it didn't have it, then maybe foriegn cars weren't required to have it or something...?

After numerous times of installing and removing the car seat bases and the next age seat over the years, I discovered today that the Hyundai does in fact have LATCH. Apparently they just copied that section out of a different car manual and never went back and updated?

Anyhow, it's done. Now, no one can ride in Lori's truck except us two adults and the two kids. And there's one fewer spots for adults in my car meaning I don't have to cart around my entire group anymore when we go to lunch.

Bags are packed, lists are prepared. Still no nursery for the baby, but we're feeling good about our progress, otherwise.

1403

The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's people. Amen.
- Revelation 22:21

Rachel was born 1,403 days ago. And after reading to her from the Bible almost every night, tonight I read the final four chapters of Revelation. There are 1,189 chapters. Some nights (like her first), it was a single sentence that I read. Other nights, like a few nights ago, seven chapters. I'd stop and she'd ask me to read more. She lay there quietly listening to the words, except to shout "Hosanna!" whenever I'd read "Hosanna." Some nights, it was a battle and not much was read. Other nights, I'd find myself re-reading a chapter I'd read the night before. There was a particularly challenging section of the Old Testament where I'd swear I read the same chapter night after night for five nights straight. Some kind of weird Groundhog Day or something. We skipped a week before Easter this year to do a study provided by the Director of Children's Ministries at church. And there were probably 3 or 4 nights where we just plain flat out forgot to read. (It wasn't always me, Lori read some as well.)

Perfect timing. Soon Ben will be born and I'll open it back up again at the beginning and start anew. Let's see if I can do it in less than 1,403 days.

Loss

I've been up late tonight reading. It's an interesting book called "Narratives from the Crib," edited by Kathleen Nelson. The King County Library System was kind enough to do an inter-library loan from Central Washington University for me, and now I see why. Turns out, it's a research summary. I have no idea where I first heard of the book, but it's been on my reading list for some time.

Parts of it are difficult and I find myself skimming at times. But at other times, it's really interesting to see how they attempt to learn from recordings made as the young (2 years old) lay in bed talking after she had been put in her crib.

Rachel still talks some nights, which is apparently rare. But as I read these early monologues from the 2-year-old, I really wish I had recorded some of those early conversations. I feel like I am already missing out, forgetting things that were not captured at the time. Pieces of Rachel's life have passed me by and are gone forever.

As we get closer and closer to Ben's arrival, tonight I'm really struck by the fact that something else will soon be lost as well. My relationship with Rachel will change. No longer will she be my only child and no longer will she be the only one for whom I am "daddy."

This makes me incredibly sad, to the point of tears as I type this (it's also nearly 2 in the morning and I'm starting to finally get tired, so that may be also partially responsible.)

I look forward to Ben's arrival with impatient anticipation, but I also see it as a loss. To be sure, there will be plenty of opportunities for future daddy-daughter days, she will always be my first child, and I will always love her more than my own life, but it feels like a change. She will continue to grow up and become more and more her own person. Her love for me will change and evolve (but hopefully remain strong.)

She's not even four and already I'm wishing she could stay little forever. (Of course, I feel guilty about that, too.)

And so it begins...

Yesterday, finding my stacks of clutter next to bed in slight disarray, I asked Rachel if she had been rifling through them.

"No," she responded, suggesting "Maybe Ben did it."